WHY TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 WAYS

1. He eats McDonalds. If he doesn’t care about himself, why should you?

2. He doesn’t like your friends. I have never come across this personally (because my friends are rad), but this is a huge problem. The solution—replace the boyfriend. If he doesn’t get along with your friends chances are it’s because they can sense what a complete chode he is.

3. He LIKES your friends. This is also a huge problem, one I have experienced several times before (because my friends are so rad). So, if you give him a drunken blowie during a crowded screening of (500) Days of Summer and less than a week later he asks you for your friend’s phone number (for example) you might want to reconsider the effort you’ve put forth. i.e. move on. 

4. He worships Dave Matthews Band*. Truthfully I’d be weary if he owns even one CD or has been to a concert. It is near impossible to let yourself get serious with a guy who has bad taste in music. If you’re thinking, “That’s okay. It’s just a fling”, keep in mind you may be called on to make out while Dave plays in the background (and remember, it’s hard to make out when you’re nauseated).

5. He is, perhaps, a little too impressed with himself. Dude, you’re dating a narcissist. A real sexy find is someone who can both embrace a healthy level of confidence and adequately manage their insecurities. A false sense of ego is (admittedly) intriguing at first, but ultimately a huge turnoff. Occupational markers to look for: Chef or Musician. Lexicon: refers to himself as "a heartbreaker” or “not a nice guy”. His appearance: Caution, he could be anybody. The easiest way for me to identify this type is—I will find myself attracted to them.

6. He wears a visor. Firstly, if he wears a visor there is a good chance numbers 1-5 also apply to him. Secondly, who wants to be seen with a guy wearing a visor?

7. He tells you he doesn’t deserve you. Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecies. I don’t know what he was thinking saying this out loud. You already know this to be true. Let’s face it, who does deserve you? Now he has upset the balance of the relationship by acknowledging it. This truth will hang over your heads like Nimbostratus. He will eventually start exhibiting behaviors to support this thus bringing about your relationship's demise.

8. His last name does not begin with the letter S. All right, so this one is more personalized for me. I’ve always had a secret longing for my initials to be V.S. so I can pretend that my Victoria’s Secret panties are monogramed just for me. Few exceptions will be made. See retailer for details.

9. He won’t put out. Boyfriends are good for very few things. This is unmistakably his most important function. If he won’t throw you a bone—throw him away.

10. He says, types, or texts “LOL”. My next blog will explain in detail why I believe “lol” is the very worst thing to happen to language.

* Dave Matthews Band. Contributed by Ms. Jamie Cate Hatch. At a critical time during this blog’s conception I had but only nine criterion for dumping a dude.  Thank you Cate.